


Reach Out Your Hand

by Practically_Shakespeare



Series: Old Trouble - Prequels To the TS Actor AU [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty Creativitwins, Dillon (Deceit) is there for his boyfriend, Drug Addiction, Gen, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Remus being a good brother, Roman is in a really bad place here, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, drug overdose, he's mentioned a couple times, minor Remy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22262608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Practically_Shakespeare/pseuds/Practically_Shakespeare
Summary: Before recovery can come, you have to admit you have a problem first. In 2019, Roman’s been clean for about 6 years. In 2011, however? Clean is a long way away. He’s alone. Isolated. No-one to turn to. Except he might have one person. But Roman’s ignored him for the last 4 years. But then the voicemail comes.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Sleep | Remy Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Series: Old Trouble - Prequels To the TS Actor AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1602550
Comments: 17
Kudos: 97





	1. When The Dark Comes Crashing

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So, I’m currently working on a multi-chapter fic set after the last two fics. But that’s probably going to take me a while. So in the meantime, have this fic that’s set 8 years before the others. This is some backstory on Roman, Remus, and Dillon, and how Roman got on the first steps to recovery. Also, I meant for this to be a one-shot, but it’s going to be a two-parter. It’s too long to post all at once. I apologize in advance for this, it’s really intense and a lot of whump and angst. I promise part 2 will make up for everything, and that’ll be up tomorrow.
> 
> Titles of work and chapter come from You Will Be Found from Dear Evan Hansen.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sent at 11:24pm

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:  
happhy B-day roe

its me Rekus

Remus

i gootta new phonee 

im sorry

iwas the worts 

woest

worsr 

Cant typw

To drukn 

Miss u tho

First b-day wit out u

Do u mis me to?

See u on th news

Got that moie 

Movie deal u wanted

Hop ur doin wel 

That ur happy

M not

Mis u

Love u

****************************

Friday, March 20, 2009

Sent at 2:00 pm

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:  
Hey Ro, happy birthday,  
it’s me again. 

I wanna apologize for the mess that I sent last year. Thought you’d like to know I’m in a much better place now.

I’m in college in San Francisco, probably gonna live there after.

Gotta boyfriend, just like you always said you would if we didn’t have to deal with everyone’s expectations.

Went to therapy, boyfriend’s idea

Though he was just a best friend then

It’s been really helpful. 

I was so awful to you. 

I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again

You don’t have to forgive me, I just want a chance to talk

If you want to meet up

Just let me know

****************************

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sent at 10:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Hey Ro

Happy birthday again. 

At this point, I know you probably won’t reply

This probably isn’t even your number anymore. 

I don’t know why I keep texting you though

Closure, perhaps?

An inability to let go?

Whatever it is, it’s kinda sad

I can’t stop though

If by any chance you are reading this, please respond

I don’t care if it’s to say you hate me, or never want to talk to me again, please

I need you

I need my brother

****************************

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sent at 10:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:  
Happy birthday Ro!

This will probably be the last time I text you. 

My boyfriend, Dillon, pointed out that if you were going to reply, you would’ve already

I need to move on

I need to heal 

I still love you though 

You’ll always be my brother

****************************

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sent at 11:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Ro

Ro, what the hell?

I know I said that I wouldn’t text again 

But I just saw the news

You punched someone?

What on earth

I’d honestly be kinda proud of you if I wasn’t worried

Are you doing ok? 

That’s not like you. 

I was always the violent one. 

I know what I said before, but if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here. 

I won’t be waiting for you anymore, but I’ll still be here for you, if you need me.

All you need to do is reach out.

****************************

Sunday, August 15, 2011

Missed Call at 1:00 am

Voicemail from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

“Ro—Roman! Please, please tell me you’re there, that you’re alright—

I just heard, apparently you’ve been missing for two weeks? Two whole weeks, and I didn’t know—

Please call me back, or text if that works better! Please, no one knows where you are, if you’re ok, nothing!

I — I can’t lose you Roman.

I mean, maybe I did already, maybe I did a long time ago—

But that was different. At least you were alive. You were happy. At least, I thought you were happy. I’m not so sure about that anymore. 

But if by some miracle, some crazy insane miracle you still have this number, if you’re ok, please please let me know. 

I love you so much Ro. 

I don’t think I ever said it enough, but I do. So, so much. 

I hope wherever you are, you’re ok.

****************************

The dark hotel room was illuminated only by the screen of his phone. He stared at it with glassy eyes, unseeing, as the message finished playing. Roman was leaning against the bed, sitting on the floor. His phone was gleaming on the ground next to him. 

Roman had read Remus’s texts as they came, of course, but he hadn’t thought they were sincere. That they were real. Nothing else in his life was, not even his own parents. So why should his own twin be an exception? But he didn’t delete the texts or block the number. He let the messages keep coming. And he didn’t know why. 

Maybe because part of him had wanted to hope. Why else would he be where he was now? Why else would he have used the most of the little money he had left to get himself here? Here in a dingy little motel on the edge of San Francisco. He hadn’t told anyone where he was going, not that anyone cared. Maybe Remy might’ve. Remy, who Roman realized now might’ve been his only real friend. At least, he could’ve been, if Roman hadn’t pushed him away when Remy had attempted to convince Roman he had a problem. Pushed him away just like Roman had done to everything else good in his life. 

That’s why he hadn’t contacted Remus yet. Why he’d sat here in this room with it’s flea-ridden bed and peeling wallpaper for almost two weeks now, only leaving to buy food from the nearby convenience store. Remus’s texts had seemed like he was doing well. Roman had looked at his Facebook too. Remus was in college, was living with his boyfriend, a job working as a tech at a local theater. He seemed happy. Roman couldn’t bring himself to ruin that like he ruined everything else. 

But that voicemail—he hadn’t ever heard Remus sound so frightened before. So worried. And about Roman, of all people. Why? Why on earth? Sure, they’d been close as kids, but they hadn’t even been in the same room for years. And Roman had ignored all of Remus’s attempts to make contact since. He couldn’t understand it. It made his head hurt. He was feeling bitterly jittery, and not very glittery. 

That was a weird sentence. When did his thoughts stop making sense? He needed his pills, needed them. He couldn’t deal with all of these thoughts and emotions. He needed them to go away. He needed them to stop. He fumbled on all fours for the bottle, and finally found it, open and empty. That wasn’t right, it’d been full only...only...he couldn’t remember. A wave of dizziness hit him, and he pitched forward, face planting into the ground. 

Something wasn’t right. Why was his brain so fuzzy. Everything hurt so much, he couldn’t think. He needed help. He needed Remus. He somehow managed to find his phone, and hit the contact simply labeled “R.”

The phone rang. And rang. Finally, it was picked up. And a familiar voice spoke.

****************************

Remus ran his hand through his sleeping boyfriend’s hair. It was a calming motion that somewhat helped to calm his racing mind. But not by much. Dillon had attempted to convince Remus to rest, but Remus couldn’t sleep. Not when Roman was missing. He’d gotten the news around midnight, from a former friend of Roman’s, Remy. 

Remy had been the one to tell Remus that Roman had been struggling with a drug addiction, though Remy didn’t know how long. He’d tried to get Roman some help as soon as he found out, but the other man had rejected it and broke off their friendship. Remy had gone to Roman’s apartment that morning to attempt to repair their relationship, with the hope that he could eventually convince Roman to get some help. But he was nowhere to be found. The door was unlocked, and there was two weeks worth of mail on the floor. He’d found Remus’s number on accident, on a post-it on Roman’s fridge, labeled “Bro.” That’s when he’d called Remus and, upon finding out he was Roman’s brother, told him everything.

Remus didn’t quite understand why Roman had his number saved like that, but the more pressing concern was finding Roman. Remus attempted to call Roman several times, each one going straight to voicemail. 

He didn’t blame Dillon for falling asleep though. Remus would if he could. He couldn’t though. The hand that wasn’t running through Dillon’s hair had a death grip on his phone. He couldn’t stop staring at it, praying to anyone who would listen that it would ring.

He didn’t know what he expected though. Roman had never responded to him in the past, so why would now be any diff— 

“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie wooorld  
Life in plastic, it’s fantastic...”

Remus startled as his phone’s ringtone filled the room. Next to him, Dillon shifted and blinked tiredly at him. 

“Why on earth do you still have that obnoxious song as your ringtone?” Dillon questioned, a little grumpy at being woken so unceremoniously. 

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywheere  
Imagination, life is your creation...”

Remus could barely hear him. He could barely hear his own ringtone. All he could do was stare at the name that lit up the screen.

Lil bRO(man)

“Come on, Barbie, let's go party!”

Dillon looked up at Remus, the sleep slowly fading from his gaze as his brain slowly began to catch up.

“Re, what’s wrong?”

“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie wooorld  
Life in plastic, it’s fantastic...”

The chorus of the song began to repeat, and Remus knew he was running out of time. This was something he’d wanted for years, and now, it was happening right in front of him. But he was frozen. For some reason, he couldn’t answer the phone.

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywheere…”

When Remus didn’t respond, Dillon sat up, and saw the phone lying limp in his boyfriend’s grasp.

“Imagination, life is you—”

Quick as a lightning bolt, Dillon grabbed the phone and hit ANSWER before it could go to voicemail. Almost as quick, he hit the speaker button.  
There was a long moment of silence. Too long. Finally, Remus’s voice returned.

“Ro, is that you?” He asked, hopefully. “Are you ok, are you hurt, where—”

“Re. I— I didn’t acshully think you’d anshwer.” 

Roman’s familiar voice leaked through the speakers like water through a broken dam. Despite Remus’s relief, however, he immediately recognized something was wrong. One look at Dillon’s face told Remus that he’d heard it too. The way Roman’s words slurred themselves together. Remus took a deep breath. He knew how to handle this. He just needed to stay calm.

“Of course I would.” Remus said sincerely. “Ro, why don’t you tell me where you are? Maybe I can come to you and we can have this conversation in person?”

However, Roman didn’t seem to hear Remus’s question.

“I meshed up Re, meshed up big time, I ran ‘way from evything ‘cause I shcrewed up, an’ now I’m losht an’ allone an’ I jus’ wanted to hear your voishe one lasht time…”

Remus felt his heart seize in panic at those words. He grabbed the phone out of Dillon’s hands as the man looked on worriedly. Remus clutched that phone like it was his lifeline. No, Roman’s lifeline.

“Roman, wait, what do you mean, one last time? Where are you, what’s going on?”

“Ate too many of th’ pret-ty white circles, and now I can’ shtand up right and m’ brain won’ work.”

Roman’s voice grew thick, and it began to sound like he was crying.

“M sorry Re, ‘m an awful brother. I can’ do anything righ’ an’ I was too much of a cow-ward to tell you I was here.”

Remus’s eyes widened in shock as his brain processed the information. White circles, didn’t a lot of pills take that form? Including addictive ones. And Roman was here? San Francisco?

He looked over to Dillon to find that his boyfriend had his own phone out, and was callling someone. Dillon caught his gaze, and mouthed 911. Keep him talking. Remus took a deep breath. He needed to keep it together. For Roman’s sake. 

“Roman, you’re going to be fine, just tell me where you are, and I’ll be right there. You said that you’re here? Where is here?”

“Th’ golden ci-ty, home of Sain’ Franny. Wan-ed to talk to you, couldn’ get up th’ nerve. ‘M in this shtupid lil hot-tel, it schucks. Bayshide Mot-tel, I think. Rom 320. Picked it cause it wash our birth-dayte”

Remus quickly glanced over to Dillon urgently, and his boyfriend began relaying Roman’s location to the paramedics. 

“Ro, we’ll be right there, just hold on, ok? We’re on our way.”

No response.

“Roman, Roman!”

Silence echoed from the other end of the line. 

“No, nononononono no! Roman, please!”

In a dark dingy motel room several miles away, the only sound was a brother’s anguished cries, and the only light was that of a cracked phone screen next to a limp hand.


	2. Someone Will Come Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus rushes to Roman's side at the hospital. Things won't be easy, but hopefully, they'll improve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! I am so sorry this took so long guys! Life happened, and got away from me. Also, I've probably rewritten this three or four times. Still not sure if I'm happy with it, but here it is!

_ “Follow me!”  _

_ Remus called back to his twin as he eagerly began his ascent up the tall pine. He had made it halfway up by the time Roman had reached the base.  _

_ “Is this a good idea, Re?” The ten year-old questioned, worriedly looking up as the pine loomed ominously above him.  _

_ “Don’t worry Ro,” Remus said, jumping down to a lower branch, “I’ve done this dozens and dozens of times before.” He reached out a hand to Roman.  _

_ “Come on!” Remus cajoled. “It’ll be fine, I’ll be right here with you, I won’t let you fall.” Roman looked at Remus nervously.  _

_ “You promise?” _

_ “I triple-dog swear, cross my heart and hope to die, on Twin’s honor.” Remus swore, with all the seriousness the ten year old could muster. Roman took a nervous breath, then took Remus’s hand.  _

_ The twins climbed and climbed and climbed. Higher and higher and higher. They giggled and talked as they went, weaving grand stories of adventure. They weren’t just boys climbing a tree, they were princes climbing a tall tower to save the princess, or Jacks scaling a beanstalk, astronauts fixing their rocket, adventurers escaping a trap they’d set off in an ancient temple.  _

_ The rest of the world might as well have not existed. It was just them. Just Roman and Remus.  _

_ Finally, they reached the top of the tall pine. Remus whooped in delight. “I think I can see our house from here!” Roman grinned from his perch on the branch next to him.  _

_ “I can see the whole ocean from here!” Remus smiled back at his twin’s delighted face, watching the wind whip through his hair . _

_ “See scaredy-cat,” Remus said, fondly, “everything was fine. And it always will be. I won’t let  _ anything  _ ever hurt you as long as I live. Twin’s honor.” _

_ Roman didn’t turn back to Remus, his face pointed downwards towards the ground.  _

_ “Ro?” Remus questioned, nervously. “A-are you alright?” _

_ “You lied, Remus.” Roman said, flatly.  _

_ “W-what?” Remus stammered, confused.  _

_ “You lied. You said you’d always keep me safe, that you’d always be there for me, and what do you do?” Ten-year-old Roman was gone, replaced by eighteen year old Roman, eyes no longer pointed towards the ground but instead placing Remus in the direct line of their blazing fire. “You abandoned me the first chance you got, flew the coop, left me to the vultures.” Roman pushed Remus, and Remus found that he was no longer in the tree. He was standing in the middle of a crowded restaurant, confused, hurt, and eighteen all over again. Remus could feel the stares of faceless onlookers, practically felt their whispers crawling on his skin.  _

_ “Roman, please—“ Remus began, but Roman didn’t let him finish.  _

_ “I needed you Remus! I was young, vulnerable. Maybe if you were there, I would’ve made the right decisions. Maybe we wouldn’t be here!”  _

_   
_ _ Roman shoved Remus, hard, and Remus stumbled back into a motel room. Mildewing wallpaper peeled off of the walls, revealing the mold and rot underneath. A cockroach scuttled across Remus’s foot. Roman’s face had turned pale now, and his lips blue.  _

_ “I’m  _ go _ ing t _ o _ d _ i _ e,  _ y _ ou kn _ ow _ th _ a _ t, ri _ gh _ t? A _ l _ o _ n _ e a _ n _ d fr _ ie _ nd _ le _ s _ s _ w _ i _ t _ h _ no o _ ne _ to c _ ar _ e. I _ n _ a cr _ ap _ py m _ ot _ el ro _ om _ t _ ha _ t  _ n _ ot ev _ en _ a  _ ho _ mel _ es _ s p _ ers _ on wo _ uld _ wil _ li _ ng _ ly _ l _ iv _ e i _ n _.” Roman spat, face turning paler and gaunt as he spoke, voice slowly beginning to distort. _

_ “I-I’m sorry Roman,” Remus cried, anguished, “I didn’t  _ want  _ to leave you. I begged you to come with me. I  _ need  _ you Roman!” _

_“F_ a **t** **_l_** o _t o_ f _go_ **o** d _t_ h ** _a_** **t** _d_ **o** e ** _s_** **_m_** e _n_ ** _o_** w _!” Roman growled, pushing Remus back. With every step he seemed to crumble more and more until he was barely skin and bones. “_ ** _Y_** **o** _u n_ e ** _v_** **er** _r_ e ** _al_** ly _c_ **a** r _e_ ** _d_** _. T_ h **o** ** _s_** e _t_ ** _e_** **x** t _s, r_ e **a** ** _c_** _h_ i **n** ** _g_** _o_ ** _u_** t _, t_ **h** ** _a_** t w **a** _s_ ** _j_** **u** _s_ t _b_ e _c_ ** _a_** **u** ** _s_** e _y_ **o** _u_ ** _f_** **e** _l_ t _o_ ** _b_** _l_ ig ** _at_** ed _, b_ **ec** _a_ ** _u_** s _e_ ** _y_** _o_ u _f_ **e** _l_ t _g_ **u** ** _il_** ty _.” Remus cowered back as the now almost undead spectre of his brother continued his approach, backing Remus into a moldy corner, shoving Remus to punctuate each word. “Y_ **o** u _’l_ l _b_ **e** _g_ ** _l_** **a** d _w_ **h** e _n I’_ **m** d ** _ea_** _d, w_ o **n** ** _’t_** y _o_ ** _u_** _!_ ** _N_** o _m_ ** _o_** **r** e **_h_** **a** _v_ i **n** _g_ ** _t_** o _w_ ** _or_** **r** y **_ab_** _o_ ut **_p_** _o_ o **r** _, m_ ** _i_** **s** g _u_ ** _i_** **de** d _, u_ ** _se_** **l** e _s_ **s** **_R_** _o_ m **a** _n—“_

_ “Stop!” Remus shouted, holding his arms in front of himself to defend from the shoves, scrunching his eyes tight to avoid the sight of the abomination in front of him. The spectre continued to shove, and Remus couldn’t take it anymore. He shoved back. _

_ There was silence. Then, a soft, small, confused voice broke through. _

_ “Re?” _

_ Remus opened his eyes. The nightmarish specter and grimy hotel room had vanished. Wind whipped through his hair and the scent of pine needles filled his nose. He was back on the top of the tree once more.  _

_ With a rising sense of horror, everything around him playing in slow motion, he saw. _

_ Little ten-year-old Roman, eyes full of shock and betrayal, Remus’s own hands leaving his chest, slowly fell backwards off the top of the tall pine.  _

_ Time sped up, and Remus lunged forward, but Roman’s red hoodie slipped out of his fingers. His brother fell into darkness, until Remus couldn’t see him anymore. He couldn’t even see the ground.  _

_ “Nononononononono no!” Remus couldn’t find Roman, couldn’t see him couldn’t help him. Where was Roman where was he Remus failed him why didn’t he try harder why— _

“Remus!”

Light, harsh and unforgiving invaded Remus’s eyes like the sharp knives stabbed in Caesar’s back. He winced in pain, trying to shield his eyes. He still couldn’t breathe, couldn’t  _ think. _

Suddenly, darkness returned, and he heard a soft voice murmuring gently to him. Gentle hands stroked his hair, and Remus leaned into a warm embrace. The voice spoke.

“Try to match my breathing, love.”

Remus listened. Even though everything seemed scary and confusing right now, and he wasn’t sure of anything, he knew he could trust that voice. It wasn’t just knowledge, it was fact. Despite knowing this, he still struggled to breathe, gasping for air. 

“Remus, try to focus on my voice. Tell me five things you can see.” The voice prompted. Remus opened his eyes and looked. He was in the back of Dillon’s car, with the boyfriend in question holding him tightly. 

“I-I can see your car door,” he managed, “the lamppost outside the window, the rain on your windshield, the driver’s seat in front of me, and...” He trailed off, spotting over Dillon’s shoulder a glowing red sign that simply read  EMERGENCY . “The Emergency sign—“ He couldn’t speak anymore, where they were and why they were here came rushing back all at once at a madman’s pace, taking his breath with it. 

_ Roman. Romanromanroman. Roman was in danger. Roman was going to die. All because Remus failed Roman, because he wasn’t there, he failed he failed he failed— _

“Just breathe, love.” Dillon cajoled softly. “Just keep focusing on your breathing. I know you’re worried about Roman, but you can’t help him like this. Try to keep going. Four things you can touch.”

Remus tried to breathe, tried to keep his focus centered, fumbling his hands for something.

“The car seats,” he said, finally, “my jeans,” Remus continued to move his hands, wrapping his arms around Dillon. “your cashmere sweater, and your hands running through my hair.” 

“Good.” Dillon whispered softly, and Remus could see a tired, but loving smile on his partner’s face. “Now, three things you can hear.”

“Your heartbeat,” Remus managed, “the traffic outside, and the rain on the roof of the car.”

“We’re almost there.” Dillon reassured. “Now two things you can smell.” Remus inhaled through his nose, trying to find something.

“Your shampoo, and the leather car seats.” He managed. 

“Alright, now just one thing you can taste.” Dillon stated kindly. 

“That weird taste I get in my mouth sometimes when I sleep with my mouth open.” Remus replied promptly. 

“Good job.” Dillon murmured warmly. “How are you feeling?” Remus snuggled deeply into Dillon’s side. 

“What if we just stayed in here?” Remus whispered, voice coming out a little muffled since his face was pressed into his boyfriend’s side. “What if we just stayed here forever and ignored everything else and pretended the world didn’t exist?” Remus felt Dillon shift underneath him, then his boyfriend began to speak. 

“If that was what you really wanted to do, I would stay with you as long as you needed.” Dillon paused, then continued, picking his words carefully. “But I know you, and I know that while being in that hospital won’t be easy, it will be worse to  _ not  _ be there, and to have no idea about what’s going on.”

Remus took in a shuddering breath, then pulled away from Dillon. He looked him in the eye, and managed to say,

“You’re right, let’s go in.”

****************************************

The hospital was too quiet. Remus leaned into Dillon’s side while his boyfriend talked to the nurse at the reception desk, feeling like Dillon was the only thing keeping him upright. Remus felt like he was walking through a fog, going through the motions of being a human. They sat together in the waiting room for what seemed like years, until the nurse called them up to give them the go ahead to finally go see his brother.

Remus was barely aware as the nurse gave them directions and Dillon led him through the white corridors. All he could think about was Roman, brain running through all the possibilities of what could be awaiting him.

Finally, they reached the door to Roman’s room. Remus froze. All he could do was stare at the doorway in front of him. How could the sight of something so simple fill him with so much terror? He knew he needed to go into that room. But he hesitated to cross its threshold. He couldn’t do it. He  _ couldn’t.  _

“Love, you alright?” Dillon said, looking at Remus with worry.

“I-I have to be, right?” Remus whispered. “For Roman.”

“You don’t  _ have _ to be anything.” Dillon said, tone firm. “I can take care of everything if you need me to. You don’t have to ever set a foot in there if you can’t. If that’s what you’re sure you want.”

“No, I-I need to do this, Dee.” Remus said, trying to calm his racing heart as he spoke. “Not just for Roman, but for myself.” Dillon nodded, and rubbed Remus’s shoulder reassuringly.

“I’ll be there with you every step of the way, love.”

Remus smiled gratefully at his boyfriend, and clasped Dillon’s cool, dry hand tightly in his own warm, sweaty one.

And like that, he stepped across the threshold.

And there Roman was, in the hospital bed.

Roman was pale.

Too pale.

Too quiet.

Remus had never seen Roman like this before.

Roman had always been so lively, so full of energy and excitement.

Not now.

Roman was so still and lifeless, almost like— 

Remus’s breath hitched, and Dillon caught his panic.

“He’s ok, love.” Dillon murmured reassuringly into Remus’s ear. “See,” Dillon gestured to the monitor next to Roman’s bed. “Roman’s heart is still beating. He’s  _ alive. _ ”

Alive.

Alivealivealivealivealive.

That word kept repeating on a loop in Remus’s head.

Even when the doctor came in later to give them the full rundown of Roman’s condition, Remus could barely hear him over the joyful symphony in his head.

_ Roman was alive! _

Though, what the doctor had to say did sober him a little.

Roman was alive, yes, but barely. And it was going to be a long, hard road ahead of him. Due to the type of drug Roman had overdosed, and was likely addicted to, the doctors would have to slowly wean him off of it by giving him smaller and smaller doses. It was risky, but if Roman was to go cold turkey it could kill him.

And that was the easy part.

The harder part ahead of Remus now (and Dillon, who Remus knew would have his back through whatever happened next) was to convince Roman to enter rehab once he left the hospital. Forcing him to enter wouldn’t be of any use if he didn’t  _ want  _ to get better.

But all of that was in the future.

For now, the only thing Roman needed to do was wake up.

****************************************

_ Two weeks later….. _

It had been a really long two weeks.

Remus had barely left the hospital.

He couldn’t bear to leave Roman’s side.

Dillon had tried to convince Remus to go home, get some rest. 

And Remus tried to, he really did, but he just couldn’t. Not when his brain couldn’t stop running through everything that could’ve happened in his absence. He’d gotten Dillon to drive him back as quickly as he could.

Remus honestly wouldn’t have survived these last two weeks without Dillon by his side through all of it.

Roman had been unconscious for the first few days, and that had been stressful.

But then Roman had woken up for the first time.

And Remus almost missed the unconsiousness. 

Roman had not been anywhere near lucid, shouting and yelling.

They had to strap him to the bed and sedate him.

And that had started a cycle of Roman waking up, getting violent, and needing to be sedated.

It was clear every time that he didn’t know where he was, what was happening. Roman was always babbling incoherently.

(Except, once, Remus had sworn he’d heard Roman growl something that sounded almost like “How dare you talk about my brother like that!” but Remus must have misheard.)

Roman had been getting less and less violent each time though, and that was a good thing.  _ Right? _

Except last time, Roman had been sobbing. This time, he’d seemed to recognize Remus, and had been babbling and sobbing incoherent apologies until Remus had gotten him to fall asleep again, promising they’d talk when Roman woke up.

That had almost been scarier than the violent spells.

Seeing his brother so upset, so absolutely shattered. Remus hoped he’d never have to see that again.

That was a couple of days ago. 

Now Remus sat next to Roman’s bed, aimlessly scrolling through his phone, waiting for Dillon to return with the coffees he’d left to get.

Suddenly, a voice, raspy from unuse, broke the silence of the room.

_ “Remus?” _

Remus dropped his phone in surprise, and saw his brother blinking tiredly up from the bed on which he lay. Remus wondered if Roman had just woken up, or if he’d been awake for a little longer but hadn’t said anything. From the look on Roman’s face, Remus was leaning towards the second option.

“You’re awake.” Remus said, voice barely a whisper. He didn’t say  _ Is it really you this time? Are you alright? _

“Yeah.” Roman said, voice as soft as Remus’s. He looked so small in that hospital bed.

“H-How badly did I screw up this time?” Roman said. He couldn’t seem to quite look Remus in the eye.   
  
Remus’s gut instinct was to rush to assure Roman that he didn’t, that everything was fine. But Remus couldn’t, because he knew that it would be a lie. One that could hurt in the long run. Because, and this had been hard to admit to himself, but Roman  _ did  _ screw up. Remus couldn’t tell Roman that, but he couldn’t tell him everything was fine either. Remus didn’t know what to say, everything he could think of at the moment felt like it would hurt Roman in one way or another. Whether it was because Remus was too hard on him, or if Remus was too gentle, those would both be detrimental to Roman’s eventual recovery.

  
So, Remus picked a third option.

He surged forward and hugged Roman as tightly as he would.

Remus heard a small gasp of surprise come from his brother, but after a moment of hesitation, Roman returned the hug.

And there they stayed, the rest of the world fading into the background. 

  
Everything wasn’t alright yet, and it wouldn’t be,  _ couldn’t _ be, for a while. There was still a lot of work to be done. A lot of things the twins needed to work out, to resolve.

But for the moment, Remus was content to wrap his arms tightly around his brother, determined that he would never let go.


End file.
